This Is What We Go Through

…on the job hunt.

Tell us about your previous experience and why you feel that would make you a good fit for this position.

I’m great at a lot of things, so there’s a lot of great reasons why you should hire me. One thing I’m great at is catching grammar mistakes, like the ones in your question: “experience” should have an “s” on the end, and “that” should be either “they” for plural or “it” for singular, if you insist.

Anyways, I know how to make an ancient friction fire from “rubbing two sticks together” as it’s colloquially referred to (it’s actually called a “bow-drill”), and that’s only a slice of it. You should see me in the 21st-century office. I’ve been through 10 years of work as a young adult bringing myself up in one carer that has taught me a lot, but now I’m setting my sights on better horizons, like you. You want me on your team for so many reasons, but to really find those out, you’ll need to offer me an interview (and hire me).

Tell us about any special skills or qualifications you feel would give you the ability to perform this job well.

I’m sure my aforementioned above answer was the bullseye you were really looking for. Oh, and I have a lot of fun with writing, communications and generally being one badass boss of a muffin who leads through compassion and deep respect for those I am responsible for and in service to. I’ve been the grunt, and now I want to take care of other grunts and keep them reassured that they don’t have to bail. They might even become your most amazing, profitable employees with the right investment of support in them.

What is your greatest strength?

Critical thinking.

What is your greatest weakness?

Chocolate. What’s yours?

What are some of your short-term and long-term goals?

My short term goals are to change careers, starting with Your Company™️, obviously the best little cohort in town. My long term goals are to retire filthy rich from flamboyant, risky investments and put my terrible, estranged mother in a retirement home.

This Is What We Go Through (Prologue)

Hi again, Recruiter. So, I went through the whole long application and got to the end and submitted it. The job then said that certain Amazon-related experience was required. I do not have this experience, but I can learn what I need on-the-job. You did not mention this during our phone call. I hope I didn’t go through that whole application for nothing.
I also noticed in your email that you have signed me up for a “group First Step interview”. We did not talk about a group interview: I was led to believe that this was a traditional one-on-one interview. I don’t do group interviews because I find them to be quite disrespectful of candidates’ time and dignity. We don’t need to be sitting in a room being talked at among our competition, hoping for a real interview: that’s degrading. If you’re willing and able to get me set up with a real, actual one-on-one interview, that’d be great. Thanks. If not, just let the next person know about this well in advance.
Say no to group interviews.

Views on Pre-Employment Personality Tests

Hi, [Potential Employer],

It appears that this “questionnaire” is a personality test. I’d like to know the name and credentials of the person who created the test, as most pre-employment personality tests are inappropriate and do not deliver the data that a company is –or should be– looking for. I’ll also need a written guarantee that my answers would remain strictly confidential.

I’m a critical thinker: I’m empathic, but I’m also as sharp as a surgeon’s knife. I will question many things with serious skepticism. I am not desperate. I am a strong leader and I am confident in my ability to serve, speak up, work hard, take care of and show great respect for my employees whom I supervise, deal appropriate discipline with reasonable and humane compassion, and get the job done. I know the laws of right conduct and will stick to them, while actively developing new, healthier ways of building teamwork and success. I’ve been described as such: “Gentle stands for truth and justice and rewards respect and trust shown toward her with deep loyalty and commitment to devoted, high-quality work and enthusiasm for ongoing-learning in her career. She’s a self-starter who has attuned her capabilities to the fair win. Her communication is diamond-clear and she will always tell you the truth, but with that she’ll stand by you to help you become the best person you can be.”

That’s what you need to know about my personality. If this is a suitable answer to your questionnaire, we can move forward.

Sincerely,
Gentle J. Pine