This Is What We Go Through

…on the job hunt.

Tell us about your previous experience and why you feel that would make you a good fit for this position.

I’m great at a lot of things, so there’s a lot of great reasons why you should hire me. One thing I’m great at is catching grammar mistakes, like the ones in your question: “experience” should have an “s” on the end, and “that” should be either “they” for plural or “it” for singular, if you insist.

Anyways, I know how to make an ancient friction fire from “rubbing two sticks together” as it’s colloquially referred to (it’s actually called a “bow-drill”), and that’s only a slice of it. You should see me in the 21st-century office. I’ve been through 10 years of work as a young adult bringing myself up in one carer that has taught me a lot, but now I’m setting my sights on better horizons, like you. You want me on your team for so many reasons, but to really find those out, you’ll need to offer me an interview (and hire me).

Tell us about any special skills or qualifications you feel would give you the ability to perform this job well.

I’m sure my aforementioned above answer was the bullseye you were really looking for. Oh, and I have a lot of fun with writing, communications and generally being one badass boss of a muffin who leads through compassion and deep respect for those I am responsible for and in service to. I’ve been the grunt, and now I want to take care of other grunts and keep them reassured that they don’t have to bail. They might even become your most amazing, profitable employees with the right investment of support in them.

What is your greatest strength?

Critical thinking.

What is your greatest weakness?

Chocolate. What’s yours?

What are some of your short-term and long-term goals?

My short term goals are to change careers, starting with Your Company™️, obviously the best little cohort in town. My long term goals are to retire filthy rich from flamboyant, risky investments and put my terrible, estranged mother in a retirement home.

Forget the Cover Letter. Make a Standards Letter.

To the Managers,

Thank you for your interest in hiring me. In lieu of the dime-a-dozen insincere cover letter, I present to you my Standards Letter in my search for employment that is befitting of my time I will never get back, my labor expended with the devotion of my whole mind and heart, and the very breath of my living lungs. This is what you need to know about me.

A person’s time and energy is more precious than money, and indeed, cannot be bought by money alone. Because of the high turnover and dissatisfaction rates in our field of work, in addition to several of my own difficult experiences, I request of you the follow before I accept an interview with you:

1. Our interview will be thoroughly two-ways. If you put your feet up, I’ll put my feet up. If you take a call during our interview, I’ll make a call and tell you it’s “important”. It will not be a case of you interviewing me only. There will be only two of us –you, and me. Any other ratio is unequal. I will ask of you the very same kinds of questions you ask of me. If you ask me what my “weakness” is, I will ask you what your “weakness” is. This will be a two-way street. I will ask you what you don’t like about being a manager at your company. I will ask you to give me examples of certain situations and what you would do in them. I will ask you if you possess a strong accurate understanding of workers’ rights (and what brings them dissatisfaction and pride in their work), CPR protocol or anything else relevant that you really should know but might not. I will expect as much sincerity from you as you expect from me.

2. If you want me to sign contracts, I will have you sign contracts. In fact, I’ll have you sign contracts, regardless. Because you are probably a tax-paying employer with legal papers and work agreements for me to sign, I will hand to you a contract where you will agree to conduct yourselves in transparency, honesty, timely support, clear standards and expectations, compassionate and encouraging feedback and absolutely clear communication. I will not accept aggressive or clique-like behavior. These are systemic issues in our field, and they end with me.

3. Most importantly, I will interview my potential colleagues. It matters tremendously who I will be working with. I will ask them what they do and don’t like about working here. I will encourage them to honesty, clearly letting them know why I am asking. If I get the sense that my potential colleagues are truly satisfied with working at their company (and it is theirs as much as it is yours), then I will know that your company is a worthy place to work.